Saint George and the Dragon

A mummers play

An oral tradition by
Ceres E Squire and Bernard Lawrence
as performed by the Lambeth Players
RoomerMake room, some room, for me and my broom
And all my actors coming behind!
I must have room and I will have room
All round, this Christmas [or replace with current season] time.
Come in, the Turkish Knight!
Turkish KnightOpen your doors and let me in!
I trust your favour I shall win!
Whether I rise, or whether I fall,
I'll do my best to amuse you all.
Saint George is here, and vows he will come in,
And if he does I know he'll pierce my skin.
If you do not believe what I do say -
Come in, the King of Egypt - Clear the way!
King of EgyptHere I, the King of Egypt, boldly do appear.
And with me Princess Sabra, my only daughter dear.
Walk in, walk in, Saint George, my only son and heir,
Walk in, walk in, and fairly act thy part,
That all the people here may see thy wondrous art.
Saint GeorgeHere come I, Saint George. From Britain I did spring
I'll fight the Dragon bold, my wonders to begin.
Princess SabraPlease wear my favour on you arm
To keep you from all kinds of harm.
Saint GeorgeI'll clip his wings - he shall not fly -
I'll cut him down, or else I die!
DragonWho's that who seeks the Dragon's blood,
And cries so angry and so loud?
That English dog, will he before me stand?
I'll cut him down with my courageous hand!
I'll cut him down - I'll cut him up!
I'll cut him up as small and numerous as flies,
And send him to the cook-shop to make mince pies!
Mince pies hot! Mince pies cold!
Mince pies in the pot, nine days old!
With my long teeth and mighty jaw,
Of such I'd eat up half a score
To stay my stomach till I'd more!
Saint GeorgeWhere is the beast that bids me stand?
I'll cut him down with my courageous hand!
DragonI am the Dragon - here are my claws!
I am the Dragon - beware of my jaws!

Fight - Saint George is killed

RoomerOh, is there a doctor to be found,
All ready near at hand,
To cure a deep and deadly wound
And make the champion stand?
NurseOh yes, there is a doctor here at hand,
And he will make the champion stand.
Come in Doctor.
Doctor BrownHere come I, old Doctor Brown,
The very best Doctor in [town name] town.
I can cure molly-grubs, scolly-grubs,
School dinners, palsy and gout,
Pains within and pains without -
You got any pains without, missus?
I carry a little bottle of alecampane,
That brings dead men to life again.

Business with tube and funnel

Doctor BrownHere, George - take some of my flip-flop
Down your tip-top - Rise up, and fight again!

Fight - dragon is killed. Princess curtsies to Saint George, who takes her hand

Saint GeorgeHere am I, Saint George, that worthy champion bold,
And with my sword and shield I won three crowns of gold.
I fought the fiery Dragon, and brought him down in slaughter;
By that I won fair Sabra, the King of Egypt's daughter.
Where is the man that now will me defy?
I'll cut his waistcoat full of holes -
And make his buttons fly!
Turkish KnightHere come I, the Turkish Knight,
Come from Turkish lands to fight.
I'll fight Saint George, who is my foe,
I'll make him yield before I go!
He brags to such a high degree -
He thinks there's none can do the likes of he!
I'll fight Saint George with courage bold -
If his blood's hot, I'll make it cold!
Saint GeorgeTo a Turkish Knight I'll never bow or bend
But you and I must fight this battle to the end.

Fight - Saint George is killed.
Turkish Knight slips off and hides in crowd.

RoomerOh, what wouldn't I give for a jolly noble doctor?
Five pounds?
Doctor BrownNot enough.
RoomerTen pounds?
Doctor BrownNot enough.
RoomerFifteen pounds?
Doctor BrownNot enough.
RoomerTwenty oounds?
Doctor BrownTwenty pounds, it is my fee!
RoomerThen, Doctor, Doctor, come away,
Doctor, Doctor, don't delay.
Doctor, Doctor, do your part,
For he is wounded to the heart.
Doctor BrownHere I am, with my elecampane -
Feel it make you better again!
Take a drop of my hi-de-jee -
The liver and lights of an old buck flea,
All boiled up in an old piece of leather
And put into my flask with a tom-cat's feather.
You can't get this stuff at Boots, you know!
(I even take drop myself sometimes!)

Tube and funnel business again

Doctor BrownHere, George, take some of my niff-naff
Down your tiff-taff. Rise up and fight again!

Business finding Turkish Kinght in the crowd.
Fight - Turkish Knight gives up and kneels.

Turkish KnightOh, pardon me, Saint George, pardon of thee I crave!
Oh, pardon me, Saint George, and I will be your slave!
Omnes singRule Britannia, Britannia rule the waves!
Britons never, ever, ever shall be slaves.
Saint GeorgeNo pardon shall't thou have, while I have foot to stand.
So rise again, and fight it out, sword in hand!
Turkish KnightNo!

Turkish Knight runs away

Saint GeorgeNow, run to your foreign land and tell
What heroes do in England dwell.
Doctor BrownAnd when you get to your foreign town
Tell of the potion of old Doctor Brown!
Saint GeorgeSting like a butter fly, float like a bee!
I am the greatest - I hope you all agree!
Where is the man that dares to fight with me?
I'll split his gizzard with my sword, his blood
I'll surely see!
RoomerHush, hush, Saint George - don't be so hot.
You don't know the kind of man outside i've got.

Saint George brags that he'll take on anybody.

RoomerCome in, Bull Slasher.
Bull SlasherIn comes this valiant soldier bold,
Bull Slasher is my name - with a long sword buckled at my side,
I'm sure to win the game.
My head is made of iron, my body lined with steel,
And brass unto my knuckle-bones, I'll fight you in the field.
A challenge to battle I do call,
To see which of us to the ground shall fall
So guard your head, and mind my blows,
Look after your face and mind your nose!
Saint GeorgeNow mind your body and mind your head,
Or else my sword will strike you dead.
Bull SlasherBattle to battle I do cry,
To see who'll be the first to die.
Saint GeorgeNow do your best, and do your worst,
I swear that you shall be the first!

Fight - Saint George is killed.

RoomerOh, is there a doctor to be found
All ready, near at hand,
To cure a deeep and deadly wound
And make the champion stand?

Doctor holds up "Gone to lunch" sign.
Roomer extemporises grumble.

RoomerDo you know any one, sister?
NurseIf you feel ill, you need a pill;
If you feel worse, you need a nurse;
If you're so ill you cannot stand -
You're nearly in the promised land -
I have Jane Finney here at hand,
And she will make the champion stand. Come in Jane Finney.
Jane FinneyMy name's Mistress Finney, to you!;
Roomer Then, tell me quickly, what can you do?
Jane FinneyMore than you or any man can.
I had a very serious case the other day.
RoomerA very serious case, Mrs. Finney?
What was it?
Jane FinneyA sparrow with the tooth-ache.
RoomerA sparrow with the tooth-ache, Mrs. Finney?
How did you cure that?
Jane FinneyPulled 'is 'ead orf, and threw his body smartly in the ditch!
RoomerHow did you come to be a doctor, Mrs. Finney?
Jane FinneyBecause of my travels.
RoomerHow far have you travelled then?
Jane FinneyFrom the fire-place to the cupboard.
RoomerWhat no further?
Jane FinneyFrom the top of the stairs to the bottom.

Or substitute the above with a "pub-crawl" of local pubs, eg.: "from the Wheatsheaf to the Plough and Harrow", etc.

RoomerWhat no further?
Jane FinneyI've been to Italy, Sicily, France and Spain,
All round the world and back again.
There's nowhere that I haven't been,
And no disease that I haven't seen
RoomerWell, you're the one to cure Saint George.
Jane FinneySo I will, if he hasn't been dead more than a fortnight
Now where did I put that pill?
Here it is! Now, turn him over.

Princess, Nurse and Roomer make an hash of it.
They finally get it right.

Jane FinneyNow, George, take this pill.Gollop it down.

George refuses. Roomer pokes him with broom.
This gets his mouth open. Pill in. George chokes and gargles.

Jane FinneyDon't you feel it doing you good?
Arise, Saint George - and fight no more.
Saint GeorgeFight no more.Would you repeat that?
Jane FinneyI said, fight no more.
Saint GeorgeBull, Slasher you've put my valour to the test,
Now, shake hands, for I admit you're the best.
Bull SlasherThank you George.
Saint GeorgeNow that I've my duty done,
I'll go to the dear bride I have won.
Princess SabraSaint George, I'll surely keep my vow:
My heart I'll give you here and now.
One half of Egypt do I give to you,
My knight of honour, brave and true.
RoomerCome in Father Christmas.
In comes old Father Christmas,
I've not long to stay,
But I hope you'll remember me
When I've gone away.
But now I'm here, welcome or not,
I hope old Father Christmas will never be forgot.
RoomerCome in, Miss Fly.
Miss FlyHere come I, light as a fly,
Got no money, but what care I?
RoomerCome in Sweep.
SweepI am the sweep - what I get I keep!
RoomerCome in, Little Johnny Jack.
Johnny JackHere come I, Little Johnnny Jack,
My wife and family at my back.
My family's large, and I am small,
A little if you please would help us all.
RoomerCome in, Betsy Bub.
Betsy BubIn come I, the Betsy Bub.
I'm half a woman and half a man.
In my hand I carry a club;
And by my side, a frying pan.
Don't you think I'm a nice old man?
RoomerCome in, Little Devil Doubt.
Devil DoubtHere am I, Little Devil Doubt.
If you don't give me money, I'll sweep you all out
Money I want, and money I crave -
If you don't give me money -
I'll sweep you to your grave!
RoomerCome in Big Head.
Big HeadHere comes old Big Head, with my big head and my little wit.
My head's so big and my wit's so small,
But I'll play a tune to amuse you all.
RoomerNow, Ladies and Gentlemen, our play it is ended.
To part with your money you're now recommended.

Omnes collect money while tune is played.


© Copyright 1993, Ceres E Squire and Bernard Lawrence